I have been adrift in my practice for a while now. Originally, I mostly focused on devouring any book I could get my hands on, hoarding information, and reading tarot. Things changed when Kali called me to her. She came in like a beast, pulled me into her wake, introduced me into the world of working with godds, and became my mother goddess. I love her for that. Ever since moving a couple of years ago I have mostly been in survival mode, and my practice has suffered badly because of my fears over money and finances and jobs. At first, I thought it would only take a few months for things to settle down, I underestimated my debts. Then, I finally got that on a plan, finally was able to get my medications, finally had steady income, finally finally finally. Then my meds needed changing, then I realized that even though side jobs help with covering groceries, they are time-consuming and energy draining. Two years in, I am still living day by day in constant and total fear that I won't be able to pay for something crucial when I need to. I am constantly wrestling with trying to calm my fears, breathe, and live in the moment. I am always wondering how seriously I should try to pursue better-paying jobs that would have better benefits, while also knowing that I am severely limited by my lack of formal post-high school education. As well as being mostly comfortable in the job I have now. All the while, I have been trying to keep up with my spiritual practice, and feeling like I am caught in a riptide current that is slowly pulling me further and further away from that shore; no matter how I try all the tricks to break free of it.
So I am on a mission to sit and describe my practice. What is has been, what it is now, what it needs to evolve into. Because while I would love to go back to being the "professor" of my magical friends group, I left them behind in Arizona, and have not built a new clan. I want to center my practice around the divination practice that has always been central to who I am as a magical practitioner, but I have been in and out of touch with my intuitive psychic senses for a while; I can blame some of that on the depression and medication variables at least. I have been told/determined for myself that being an oracle for whatever godds and people need or can use me is something I enjoy doing, and would feel blessed to continue doing for perhaps the rest of my life. I have never been very good at spells, both in performing them and seeing results, nor does a regular spell practice seem to interest me. I do love creating things of cloth and yarn, and would like to incorporate magic into those arts as well as my baking, I just usually only remember it as an afterthought, and a recent oracle card session suggested that spellcraft is not where my destiny lies. (It was literally the Destiny card reversed lmao). There are many small interests I have that tack on well to divination for others, it is just a matter of more regularly attending to them.
But all this to come back around to the fact that even though I have kept up a regular offering schedule to my godds, I feel immensely disconnected from them and would like to change that. I am very unsure as to what I have stopped doing or lost over the last few months I have spent at the bottom of the depression pit, not to mention what my brain has rewired itself into being from the fear for survival. While my Saturn in my second house in Pisces means I will always struggle with money, (oh hey, it's also my Saturn return this year) my sanity requires that I come to terms with that and learn a new way of living that is less money centered, and therefore less fear based. That fear I am sure is a large part of what is keeping me from the connections I seek. Looking back a little ways, I'm honestly surprised that Lucifer managed to enter my life when he did. But that also gives me hope that I have not lost all connection to those relationships, and that they have most likely not left me after such a relatively short time of lapsed communication. And in saying that, I can feel their warmth around me, so I am reminded that no matter how far off of the radar I fall, as long as I do my current best to maintain my relationships, those that are worth it will not leave me behind.
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